<-Jokes

Guest

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

One guy come to a bar. he saying to the barman: "give me beer, fast before its start!!!"
The barman giving him beer.
He saying again: "again give me beer, fast before its start!!!"
The bar man giving him the beer.
He saying again: "again give me beer, fast before its start!!!"
The bar man giving him the beer and ask: "How you gonna pay for all this???
The man answers: "Here its start...."

Three Irishmen passed a graveyard while they were stumbling home from a night at their favorite pub. "Come look over here," the first man said. "It's Micheal O'Grady's grave. The tombstone says that he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"Thats nothing," the second man replied.
"Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. He was 95 when he died."
The last Irishmen exclaimed, "Good God, heres a fellow who lived until he was 145."
"What was his name?" the other two asked.
The thrid Irishman lit a match and said,
"Miles, From Dublin."

A man was driving up a winding mountian road as a woman driving the other way leaned out her window and yelled,
"Pig!"
The man leaned out his window and yelled,
"B*tch!"
After he rounded the next curve, he ran into a pig.

Guest

Alright, I got a joke..

A mexican young boy put his head into flour, he went to his mom.
"Mommy, mommy! I'm a white boy now!"
The boy's mom slaps him.
"Go to your dad!" She yelled
The boy obeyed his mom's command and went to his father.
"Daddy, daddy! I'm a white boy now!"
The boy's dad slaps him.
"Go to your gramma!" He yelled.
The boy obeyed his father's command and went to his gramma.
"Gramma, gramma! I'm a white boy now!
The gramma slaps him.
"Go to your mother!" She yelled.
The boy obeyed his gramma's command and went to her mother.
"Now what did you learn today?" She asked.
The boy thought.
"Today I learned the fact that I'm white for five minutes, and I already hate you god da*n Mexicans!"

Funny or not, I liked it.

Guest

LoLz.

Guest

Blonde woman, black woman and a ballerina walking at the street.
There coming a witch and say: "everytime u gonna lie im gonna make u disapper".
The ballerina say: "im the best dancer in the world!!!".
she disapper...
The black woman say: "im s*xy woman!"
She disapper.
The blond woman meet her friend and the friend ask her: "where they disappered???"
The blond woman answeres: "Sec im thinking!!!"
She disappered...

My Favorite:
A husband called his wife for her first game of golf in her life. And as expected, her first shot ended up in a window of a big house. The husband got pissed, and made her to go there, apologize and pay for the damage on the window. He went with her.

The couple came to the house and knocked on the door. They heard a voice inviting them in from inside. When they came inside they realized they broke an expensive antique vase too. On the chair a young man was sitting. They apologized and said they will pay for the damage. He said that isn't neccessary and that he is a ghost that was trapped in that vase for 1000 years. He said he will fulfill a wish for both of them,and that they have to fulfill 1 for him. the couple agreed. The husband requested 1 million dollars each year until the end of his life. The ghost said ok and gave him long and healthy life too. the wife said she wants a big house in every country in the world. The ghost agreed and guaranteed her the houses will be safe of every burglar, of fires etc.

Now it's the ghost's turn, and he wants sex with the wife. After a long talk they agreed that since both are rich, they can live with that. And after couple of hours of sex, the ghost stopped and asked the wife how old they are . She said they are both 35 and the ghost replied: "No kidding! 35 and you both still believe in ghosts?!"

American, Israeli and Arabi fly on a plain.
The American throw 100$.
They ask him: "Why did u throw it?"
He say: "I got a lot of those in my country."
The Arabi throw a granade.
They ask him: "Why did u throw it?"
He say: "I got a lot of those in my country."
The Israeli take the Arabian, and throw him our of the plain.
The American ask him: "Why did u throw him?"
The Israeli say: "I got a lot of those in my country."

Guest

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets the rabbi who is supposed to perform the ceremony. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

The rabbi answers, "No way! "Men and women always dance separately!"

The man then asks, "So after the ceremony you mean I can't even dance with my own wife?"

The rabbi replies, "It's forbidden!"

The man asks, "Can we finally have sex?"

The rabbi replies, "Of course! Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have many children!"

"What about different positions?" asked the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi, "It's a mitzvah!"

"Well then, how about a woman on top?" the man asks.

Rabbi replies, "It's mitzvah!"

"How about Doggy Style?"

"Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno film?"

"It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Well, why not?" asks the man.

Rabbi answers, "Could lead to dancing!"

Guest

One woman takes a shower, someone knocks on the door.
-Whos There?
-Its ur neibors.
The cover herself and open the door.
-tell us congratilations.
-congratilations, but why?
-we born a child =)

After 5 min someone knocks on the door.
-Whos There?
-Its the Thief.
She cover herself and opens the door.
-tell me congratilations.
-congratilations, but why?
-I runned away from the cup (police).

After a while... someone knocks again on the door.
-Whos There?
-Its the cup.
She cover herself and opens the door.
-tell me congratilations.
-congratilations, but why?
-I coutch the Thief =)

After a while... someone again knocks the door.
-Whos there?
-Its the blind man.
she thinks, its ok anyway he is blind so he wont see me, so the doesnt cover herself and open the door.
He tell her: tell me congratilations.
-congratilations, but why?
-Im not blind anymore.

Guest

short (retro) one:

What does Princess Peach said after she made love to Sonic?

"you are certainly faster than Mario"

got it got it got it got it? xD